It's weird how in your own head you believe things are going one way and all of a sudden you get smacked upside the head with reality. That happened to me last night. It has been weighing on my heart HEAVILY since then.
Curtis and I went to dinner together with no kids like we usually do once a week. We have an amazing niece that is willing to watch out kids whenever we need her. ( Carlie you are the best!!!) The boys are with Nanny again. (Thank you Nanny for always loving my kids and wanting to spend time with them.) Anyways, we were talking about the future and I brought up when are we going to try for #4? Curtis sat there for a minute and said he didn't know if he wanted anymore. My heart sunk to my feet. Ever since Piper was born I had my heart set on another baby. Whether it be a little Bodie Wyatt, or another little princess, but at least one more. I told him I didn't feel like I was done. He said he thought I was good with three since I seemed to be overwhelmed a lot. I ended the conversation there and went to bed thinking that I would never get to feel another baby growing and moving in my belly again. I honestly was soooo devastated.
Today I asked if he wanted to go to lunch so i could try and get into his head a little. I was so nervous thinking he was really really sure we were done. It took all the way through lunch for me to get the courage to ask when he decided he didn't want another baby. Luckily he isn't 100% sure. Thank God for that!!! He is just really concerned with the economy and if adding a baby right now really is the smartest thing to do. I agreed that it wouldn't be smart to get pregnant any time in the near future. However i din't want it taken off the table completely. He said he still goes back and forth thinking having another baby would be great but he has to look at the bigger picture.
We have been very lucky that with the economic times being so dreadful right now he has been able to keep his job. He has great job security and he hasn't had to take a hit to his paycheck like so many have either. For that I am so very very greatful. The only negative we have from all this is our house. We owe more than what it's worth just like every other person in this town. But we can afford our home and all the bills that go along with it. We do have a lot of credit card debt right now from moving back to our house and that makes him weary also. I know i need to tighten my belt and get this paid down. I need to stop spending like i'm a spoiled child. Most of what I buy is for my kids though. I just want them to have whatever they want no matter what. I understand that they have enough stuff to keep them busy and i just need to step back and stop spoiling those darn cutie pies. I'm sure if I show Curtis that I can pay down our debt and start saving then he would be a little more flexible with having baby#4.
One part that I cant fix by myself is the size of our house. I know most people my parents age laugh when I say I need more room for 4 kids. (Nanna) I'm sure I could make it work here but I can't guarantee how happy I would be about it. If this is what we have and there's no way around it then so be it we will make it work. We do have an option that is very real and tangible without spending more money or having to walk away from this house. My parents have offered to swap houses with us. They have a 4 bedroom house just a block away from us. They say they don't need all that space since it's just the 2 of them and they spend every free moment at the cabin. This is definatly something I think about a lot.
I can't change the economy but I can fix our debt. So my goal is to figure out how to pay down our debt as quickly as possible. Maybe just maybe that will give my wonderful hubby a little more security in our financial state and ease his worries of the financial stress from adding another mouth to feed. I hope I don't have to be done with baby making but if I am I will cherish my 3 healthy, beautiful, smart kids. I thank God for allowing me to be their Mom every day. So for right now we are at a wait and see pattern.
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